Diego Armando Maradona (Buenos Aires, 1960 – Buenos Aires, 2020) quotes our employee in the then empty Bombonera. The football player is waiting for him, sitting in the center of the field with six cans of beer. Four are already empty. Maradona wears the Argentina 1986 jersey with the number 10 on the back and emits a bluish glow.
Mr. Maradona, from your aura I understand that you have gone to heaven.
Obviously, brother! Would you like a beer?
No, thanks. What’s up there?
Fine. You see, it’s like a resort with a lot of pretensions. The other day I was playing a game with God. I gave him a terrible beating. I’ve been running since I arrived, say, for five years. Until on Tuesday he broke my balls and I said, “Come on, let’s play.” Thirty-four years I nailed it. He is not alone. A very bad God, dead. As a result, he himself remained offside.
Offside?
What do Galicians call it…? Offside!
But this is impossible.
Not for God. He is omnipotent, but very stupid. He doesn’t hit any. The other day he admitted to me that the British were an accident. He wanted to make some blond walruses, and these people came out.
Let’s talk about the current World Cup. What do you think of the current Argentina national team?
Messi!! Messi, dad! Watching him play is sometimes like making love to a goddess and sometimes like touching your dick through your jeans, the only thing you will achieve is that everyone will look at you badly and eventually your gray hair will fall out to take you to the dungeon.
Eh… I guess I didn’t understand the metaphor.
Since you’re a journalist, what the hell do you know about poetry? Not a damn thing! Let’s see how you feel when you see Messi play?
I’m just not a big football fan.
What? Wait, what did you say?
This… I don’t like football.
Neither do I.
How?
This is not football now! An advanced advertisement for turkey ham, what the hell is this?! Either you’re a Charcutero or you’re a footballer, you idiot, but don’t be both! What about computers? They put statistics there and say: “We need to run to the left.” Fuck my dick, IT guy! Should I tell you how to press Enter, you fat bastard?
Mister Maradona, please don’t be upset.
Do you know what football needs now?
You?
To me! I died at the wrong time, and those who remained were screwed. I told everyone: “The worst thing that can happen is Maradona’s death.” Because I always talked about Maradona in the third person, you know? The “I” seemed to become weak.
Already. Tell me, what would you change in modern football?
Let’s start with the fact that if you’re shaved, you don’t play. What do you want aerodynamics to do faster? You are not a seal
silly! They won’t throw a sardine at you if you score a goal!
I understand. Shaving is prohibited. Would I change anything else?
FIFA.
What about FIFA?
You must kill them. Everyone.
Mister Maradona, please don’t say such things.
Look at this shirt, can you see it? Do you see the colors?
I see them.
Now look at the sky. What do you see, what colors?
Blue and white.
The same ones! Because my homeland is paradise! And to earn heaven, they kill if necessary!
But if he killed the FIFA people, they would throw him out of heaven.
No way! God hates FIFA!
Yeah?
Look, FIFA was Satan’s invention. There were no more Nazis in the world, so he created FIFA to give away bad people. Then the Nazis lost the war, and since then all the money goes to FIFA.
Well, there are quite a few Nazis there again.
He deceived us! This is because history is cyclical, and what is now filled with FIFA, there is no room in it for another son of a bitch!
Oh my God… Mr. Maradona, to be honest, I’m not sure if this interview can be published. You are calling for hatred.
What hatred! But what kind of hatred, idiot?! Killing a facho is an act of love for the world’s poor! Because if you don’t kill them, the poor people, and there are always idiots, will end up voting for them, and then the fascists will try to kill you.
I see that even in death you are a rebel.
No, what happens is that you are a slave. Speaking of slaves, I had a terrible fight with Pele the other day.
Is he in heaven too?
Isn’t this incredible? He should rot in hell for being a liar. The idiot keeps saying that he is the best in the world. I think he went crazy, although he never had any common sense. How can you be black and half-assed?
Mr Maradona…
What? Did I lie? Now he has joined Bolsonaro’s party and is fucking us crazy with it all day long. Yesterday he almost got into a fight with Che.
What’s in heaven?
He took it by storm.
Oh, of course. And finally, Mr. Maradona, what advice would you give to a boy or girl who dreams of becoming a footballer?
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Evident. I would advise you to avoid alcohol and drugs, not to have unbridled sex with strangers and, most importantly, not to follow any advice.